Latrinis

Ask Latrinis

Click here to Submit a question for Latrinis
Latrinis will answer all submitted questions. However, he may not answer within this lifetime.

Micki writes:
Dear Latrinis,
This quote from, "Tying Your Own Shoes: The Skill"
"Latrinis have never been held back by the tedium of tying shoes, and therefore can help us gain an unprecidented understanding of the subtleties of proper shoe tying.'
SInce velcro seems to be taking over in the proper closing of shoes does this mean we have evolved as humanity?
Will you be doing another tape to take the place of this one to show us a more elegant way to gain an unpresidented understanding of using velcro fastners?
I hope so....
I just love you Latrinis (gush).
:) Micki

Dear Micki,
My, you do have a lot of quayustions, don't you? You must think we have nothing better to do than respond to you. However, because we are so loving and spirityal, we will answer you. No, there will be no more tayups about tying shoes until Mimi decides she needs to upgrade her pool. You see, we may love you forever and a fortnight, but Mimi just wants the money.
Velcro, by the bye, is not new and is not indicative of human evolution. Velcro was used in Atlantis to dumb down the Infidels, in that particular regard. You see, as simple as tying one's shoes is, it does require a little more thought than snapping Velcro into place (Wheezle, snort). The act of tying shoes causes certain synapses to fire, in that way, which, if conditions are right, could cause one to have original thoughts. As you know, if you were paying attayention, originals thoughts can be almost as deadly as flatulence, certainly so. We strongly urge you, Dear One, to not allow anyone to do your thinking for you other than us.

Taka Chanse writes:
My good friends Agnetha, Benny, Bjorn, and Frida put me up to this.
We have names for each of our four dimensions (e.g.length, width, depth and time). The concepts behind these names have no meaning in the Fifth Dimension, at least according to the ass_trail travels I've made (the Grand Canyon has a really neat one, BTW). What are the names for the five dimensions in the Fifth Dimension? I tried channeling the answer, but all I could come up with was billy, ron, lamonte, marilyn and florence. But then I found out that billy and marilyn became one and vanished to be replaced by phyllis, willie, and greg. But that's six, not five so I must have made a muddle of the message.
With Lava and Pumice, Taka Chanse
P.S. If you don't answer my question in this lifetime, does that mean I get to do this all over again? I thought I heard the fat lady sing, but that might have been the neighbor's cat.

Dear Taka (Are you related to Phat Chanse),
Time is not a dimayunsion. You need to stop listening to New Age misfits like Lazaris.
Our dimensions are named: flassis, schwarlifingle, quaxx, illiotorce and zorlut. We suppose you would like to know what these translayute to in your feeble language. Flassis relayuts to the sound of one hand clapping. Schwarlifingle is the sensayution one feels when striking one's funny bone on the edge of a table. Quaxx is just as it sounds. Illiotorce is a concept which Lewis Carroll touched on in Alice Through the Looking Glass, where one must run as fast as one could in order to stand still, and run twice as fast as one could in order to move forward. This concept also exists within the wrinkles and folds of Lazaris' techneeyuks. Zorlut is that which is, but not that which is not.
So now you know our five dimensions and we reckon you are no more spiritually evolved than you were before.
If we don't answer your quayestion in this lifetime, then you will need to reincarnayut as one of those silly-looking bugs you see on your ass-trail travels to the Grand Canyon, in that particular regard. The fat lady you heard singing was none other than Mimi. We hope you can recogniyize the significance of that.

Sue Yorpantzov asks: Why is Jach Pursel such an asshole?

Ah, yes, this is a most frequently asked quayustion, certainly so. It is a hard quayustion to answer, as there are so many reasons. You see, in Jach's reality, he is even a bigger asshole than you know, in that particular sensing. The ceaseless, undulayuting churning of Jach's flatulence - reverberayuting within the confines of his primitive ego - impels him to act in a manner not unlike a git, as it were.
We also think that being married to Peny may explayun part of his assholitude. (Harumph, gurggle, schvlex) Her impact could convert the the most holy to the biggest hole, in that regard.

Stan Dupp asks: Why don't the FOLs (Friends of Lazaris) take their power back from the cult?

Well, you see, Dear One, that many FOLs suffer from Trance-Induced Residual Deception Syndrome - or T.I.R.D.S. As you know, TIRDS which have not yet manifested in one's external reality create flatulence. As you also know - unless you're an idiot - flatulence is the source of all problems experienced on the physical plane. No small print, no asterisks - it all comes down to flatulence. Except, of course, the problems which are caused by negative ego, self-pity, martyrhood, low self-esteem, Democrats, Nemesis, Adversary, Unseen Enemies, stupidity, etc.

Ruth Less asks: Why was Peny such an asshole?

She was married to Jach. She also had a lot of sycophants cheering her on. We suspect, though, that she was an asshole before she ever met Jach. We suggest that you ask Jach that quayustion.

Ron Deyvoo asks: Why is Jach Pursel such an asshole?

We already answered that one.

Rob U. Blind asks: How does one become more spirityal?

First, we would suggest that you spell "spiritual" correctly, in that regard. Then - buy more tayups and attend more seminars. And defer to Mimi, the One we came to be with... yes, ahh! the most advanced spirit in your puny Universe.

Pat Answer asks: When can we expect the Dream to manifest?

When you stop being an asshole.